Kony?

My favourite thing in the world, this week

Seen this yet? If not, enjoy! It's one of the most brilliant ads I've ever had the pleasure of watching. Every scene in it is an absolute winner.


Unfortunately the butt of the joke here, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, apparently did not appreciate it to the same degree. Neither did Mugabe supporters, some of whom made threats to Nando's employees in Zimbabwe, which eventually resulted in the ad being canned. Shame. Still, Nando's, a South Africa-based chain responsible for a great many ads noteworthy for their humorous social commentary, refused to apologise, and good for them.

The Birth of a Nation

On July 9th, South Sudan officially became the world's 193rd sovereign nation.
It is an understandably joyous occasion for a region that has rebelled against the oppressive government of Sudan, and endured a bloody civil war in which an estimated 2 million people have been killed and 4 million displaced.
There is some cause for optimism for the long-term future of South Sudan as it is rich in oil, and has agricultural land that has led some to predict it will become the breadbasket of East Africa.
But for the time being, the new nation remains mired in dire conditions, after decades of neglect by their former rulers. Illiteracy is around 85%, and 90% of its 8 million citizens live on less than US$1 a day. North Sudan still claims some oil-rich territory along the border, which remains a cause of dispute. Infrastructure is woefully underdeveloped. And the country is home to 200 different ethnic groups who will have to learn to get along in this new political environment.
But long-awaited stability in South Sudan will hopefully mean greater stability in the nations that border it, and an easing of the massive refugee crisis caused by the war.

The geography of knob size

You may have caught this map going round the interwebs recently. (You can get a better look here, and it's based on data from here.) Having done a couple of posts in the last couple of years about race and penises, how could I ignore this? It's not an obsession of mine, I swear.

Anyway, at this point I'll just say straight up that if you are somehow reading this from the Democratic Republic of Congo, take a moment's break from dodging bullets in order to bask in some national pride, since your country is apparently a world leader in big-dickedness. DR Congo is the only country in the survey in which the average length tops 7 inches. It's also particularly impressive because the average age of Congolese surveyed was apparently only 16.3 years, meaning that some of the subjects are still growing! Heavens. Congratulations Congolese, you should celebrate. Just don't celebrate too wildly, you might take someone's eye out with that thing.  On the other hand, if you happen to be from South Korea... well, you may wish to stop reading this now. You don't come out of this with a whole lotta glory, I'm afraid. In fact, Asians in general are not overly flattered by this study, as you can see in the map.

Of course, I don't really put a whole lot of stock in these things, partly because as someone who is part-Asian, it does suit me to say "I don't believe in these things." But also because I'm not sure how you accurately take measurements of guys' erections. I mean, if some scientist dude orders me to muster one up and approaches me with a ruler, I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to perform to the best of my ability. And some of the measurements come from self-reporting, which is some cause for scepticism. Self-reporting surely adds on at least another inch, I figure. For instance, Lebanon (self-reported) is listed as having an average length almost 3 cm longer than neighbouring Turkey, where the members were actually measured.
Notably, some of the biggest results come from countries in which the subjects self-reported. Including DR Congo! So are Congolese guys really the biggest in the world, or just the biggest liars?

That average age of 16.3 for the Congo puzzled me as well. So how many people under 16 were part of this survey? Because, well, they are considered children, and it's a brave man who visits a country as horrifically violent as the Congo and then goes around asking kids how big their penises are. I'm sure they lost many a good researcher that way.

If you know a little bit about human evolution, you'll know that it makes sense that Africans might have longer penises. Africans in general have longer limbs in proportion to their bodies than populations from other parts of the world; it's an adaptation to hot climates. Whereas East Asians, having evolved in a cold climate, generally have shorter limbs. So if that applies to limbs, it probably wouldn't be surprising  if it applied to genitalia as well.

Does having a big penis confer an evolutionary advantage? Probably not really, unless there is some advantage in being able to shag your partner while standing slightly further away from them than the next guy. Or if you live on the dangerous African savannah and need a weapon to club a lion to death with. Does it improve your chances of landing a mate? Not really. The nature of human sexual courtship means that by the time your ladyfriend is staring down the barrel of your member and in a position to analyse it, you're likely to be getting some action (and thus potentially passing on your genes) anyway.

Weirdly, coming second on the list after the DR Congo is Ecuador. Ecuador? Wow. For all the jokes and stereotypes I've heard over the years about black fellas and their trouser snakes, I've never heard anyone joke about being "hung like an Ecuadorian". What's more, unlike the Congolese, the Ecuadorian samples were actually measured by researchers, rather than being self-reported.
Maybe they used sexier research assistants for the Ecuadorian fieldwork, and the local fellas responded accordingly?
But it's not just Ecuadorians, but their neighbours too. Colombians, Peruvians, Bolivians and Venezuelans are all packing a fair whallop, all more than any European country. Maybe it's all that coca they chew.

As for Asian dudes, well... not to worry, I guess. Maybe next time don't turn the aircon all the way to extra-cold when some researcher is trying to measure your penis. And as so many women have expressed to me in the past with thinly disguised pity, it's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it. So some of y'all might need to start learning some tricks.

More seriously, this sort of thing is not good PR for Asian men in general, but personally I don't think it's cause for major concern. Most of us don't normally spend our days looking at other men's penises, so there's little point in worrying about how you compare with something else you're unlikely to ever actually see. Most women don't really care, anyway. For sexual satisfaction, skill is by far the most important attribute, followed by girth, with length just not a high priority.

Anyway, Asians are clearly doing something right. Over 1 billion people in both India and China shows that even if these studies are true, it's no impediment to getting one's swerve on.

Above: A cock from the Congo. Very impressive.

See also:

Race, IQ and Penis Size

Difference makers

Now and then you hear a nice story about how one inspiring person can make a huge difference on the world. Somali doctor Hawa Abdi is one such person, who got some much-deserved shine on ABC News this week.


And then there are those people who need to find better callings to base their lives around. Roy Den Hollander is one of those people. Stephen Colbert and his crew treat Roy with the ridicule he appears to deserve.

Roy has what some might refer to as "white people problems" (see here and here).

Will this be the World Cup where an African nation emerges as a legitimate contender?

Short answer: No. Perhaps it should have been, due to it being the first time the tournament has been held on the African continent, but the fates appear to be conspiring against African teams this time around.

South Africa will have to rely on the home support to carry them, because they are one of the weakest teams at the tournament (ranked 90th in the world). In Steven Pienaar the hosts have a creative player capable of turning a game, and have a potentially dangerous striker in Benni McCarthy (although his best days are behind him). No host nation has ever been knocked out at the group stage, but Bafana Bafana are expected to be the first. Their group consists of France, Mexico and Uruguay, and it's a very open group. France have the talent but whether they can do anything with it is always unpredictable. Look for Uruguay to take second spot, but this group is hard to pick. South Africa could surprise, but it's unlikely.

Nigeria (ranked 20th) is a regular feature at the World Cup, and have made it to the round of 16 twice. But for all their talent, they haven't seemed to put it all together of late. They have a host of top strikers - Yakubu Aiyegbeni, Obafemi Martins and Peter Odemwingie, to name a few - but are weaker everywhere else. They are also suffering from the loss of Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi Mikel through injury.

The Super Eagles are grouped together with Argentina, Greece and South Korea. Argentina are virtually guaranteed to top the group, but second spot is up for grabs. I think South Korea will nab it, but the Nigerians have a realistic chance. They don't look particularly convincing though, and it's hard to imagine them getting much further.

Ghana (ranked 32 in the world)was the African success story of the 2006 World Cup, making it out of a tough group before going out to Brazil. But the Black Stars' form of late has been indifferent, and to make matters worse they are without star midfielder Michael Essien, who has been injured all year.

Even without Essien's rampaging presence, Ghana's powerful midfield is one of the strongest at the tournament. They boast Italian-based stars like Sulley Muntari, Kwadwo Asamoah and talismanic captain Stephen Appiah, while Kevin-Prince Boateng and Haminu Dramani can add pace and guile from the wings. But midfield is Ghana's only strength; at the back they are a little suspect, and up front they have few options, with main striker Asamoah Gyan no better than average.

It is hard to see Ghana qualifying from their group, which includes Germany, Australia and Serbia. But while Germany is a lock to progress, second spot is up for grabs, and if they put it all together they could make it to the next step.

One of the teams in the "making up the numbers" category is Algeria (ranked equal 27th in the world). The Desert Foxes somehow overcame African champions Egypt to qualify for their third tournament. But the talent level is just not there. They do have the fortune of being drawn in a relatively weak group though. England should top the group but are not all that convincing; the USA should grab 2nd spot but is not a shoo-in; while Slovenia is well-organised but not all that threatening.

The one African team which most clearly has the talent to make it is the Ivory Coast (ranked equal 27th in the world with Algeria). But their chances have been hamstrung in two ways. Firstly, they are in one of the hardest groups in the tournament; as well as the lowly North Korea, they come up against Brazil (ranked 1st) and Portugal (3rd). This follows on from the previous World Cup when they also landed in the Group of Death.

The Ivorians could surprise, principally because of their superstar striker Didier Drogba. But the Chelsea man, one of the best 10 players in the world right now, fractured his arm in a friendly against Japan and is in doubt.

The team could still surprise, as it has an enviable lineup from top-to-bottom; Yaya Toure and Didier Zokora make an imposing midfield, while Emmanuel Eboue and Kader Keita add inspiration from the wings. Up front, Drogba is complemented by the likes of Salomon Kalou and Gervinho. Also in its favour is Portugal's poor form leading into the tournament. But the Elephants tend to look vulnerable to slip-ups at the back. If the devastating Drogba is in the lineup, this team could accomplish anything; but that's a big if right now.


Cameroon (ranked 19) have the World Cup pedigree of all the African teams, with a quarter-final appearance in 1990. In striker Samuel Eto'o they have a player capable of scoring with aplomb, even if his form is not as sizzling as it was several years ago. Eto'o is unsettled recently, following a red card against Portugal and a spat with legendary Cameroonian ex-player Roger Milla. There is a lot of talent in the team, but the question is how well it functions together; three of their best players (Alex Song, Jean Makoun and Stephane M'bia) are all defensive midfielders, which leads to a selection problem.

The Indomitable Lions find themselves in Group E, alongside Holland, Denmark and Japan. Holland are the favourites, and while Cameroon should beat the other two, they'll be no easybeats. Denmark in particular looked strong in qualification. I think Cameroon will be the only African team to get out of their group, but I'm not convinced they will go any further; they could just as easily bomb out early.

The Choir

Last night on the tube I was fortunate to watch one of the most fascinating and moving documentaries I have ever seen. The Choir follows a number of inmates in a harsh South African prison who find the prison choir a distraction from their daily reality and a way of finding redemption through the power of music. If you've ever heard South African choral music you'll be able to imagine how breathtaking the music is.


If you ever have an opportunity to watch this, I can't recommend it enough.

You can read an interview with its Zimbabwean-Australian director Michael Davie here.

From around the interwebs...

Some random stuff to make you think about stuff...



Moonshine or the kids?
Writing from the Congo, NY Times columnist Nicholas Kristof illuminates an uncomfortable truth about poverty around the world. In far too many cases, some of the world's poorest people spend far more of their incomes on alcohol, tobacco and other frivolities, than they do educating their kids. And the culprit is usually the man of the house. Give women control of the finances, and outcomes begin to look very different. There's a follow-up post on his blog, here.


The Basiometer: "stale" bules
A quirky article at Indonesia Matters.
"In short, Basiness [staleness] is that kind of icky feeling you get when you meet a Bule [white person] and you know and they know they've been in Indonesia too long."


Charities fear rise in acid attacks avenging slights on family honour
Acid attacks are on the rise in Britain. While this ghastly form of violence is usually associated with South Asian and Middle-Eastern cultures, it also takes place with some frequency in South East Asia, East Africa and the Caribbean. It is almost always associated with some kind of gender-based conflict or resentment.


Hollywood whitewash? 'Airbender' and 'Prince of Persia' anger fans with ethnic casting
You may have already heard about how upcoming film The Last Airbender has royally pissed off Asian-Americans with its casting of mostly Caucasian lead actors in a film clearly set in an Asian-inspired fantasy world. But consider also Prince of Persia, starring the decidely un-Persian-looking Jake Gyllenhaal and Gemma Arterton in the lead role. Fortunately for us, director Jerry Bruckheimer is around to grant us a revisionist history lesson: “Persians were very light skinned,” he said. “The Turks kind of changed everything. But back in the 6th century, a lot of them were blond and blue-eyed.”
I can't say I was around then, but that sounds suspiciously like some BS to me.

Above: Two, um... "Persians"